For the
first time in this experiment, I felt the pang of loneliness creep in. So far, I’ve been feeling really great about
not seeking any romantic interest. I’ve
had an amazing time and developed some really great relationships. Tonight, though... Tonight I was grocery shopping and apparently
that is the “it” thing to do on a Sunday night if you are in a couple. The store was filled with cute 20-30 something
couples in their finest Lulu scrubs walking up and down the aisles hand in
hand. I felt very out of place
suddenly. Everywhere I turned there was
another couple discussing meals for the coming week or which peanut butter they
should get (the eternal relationship debate: crunchy or smooth?). Here I was, all on my own. No one told me that it was couples hour!
It was
here I realized that this was one of the things I missed most about being in a
relationship: the intimacy of monotonous everyday activities. When I was “not-dating” Kryptonite, some of
my favourite moments were the stupid little routine activities; brushing our
teeth together before bed, the argument over who turns out the lamp, or the cup
of tea in the morning. Oh sure, we did a
lot of wonderful things and he was great at making a girl feel special, but
that’s not what I love the most. I love
the little things that couples do together.
The intimate moments that never get brought up at girls’ night; the
things that are boring to talk about and boring to listen to – “Oooo, you’ll
never believe what Kryptonite and I did last night, we brushed our teeth before
bed! Isn’t that romantic?!” No.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not special.
In fact, it is the most special of all.
It is one of those things that have no value to anyone else; that’s what
makes something special (at least to me).
Most of the things that are of the most importance in my life would hold
no value to an outsider: my 29 year old teddy bear with more patches than I can
count, my boxes and boxes of photos, my bible that is falling apart, my cat –
none of these things would fetch more than a stick of gum at auction, but to
me, they are worth the world.
This is
how I feel about relationships; it’s not the big things that make the difference,
it is the little things: like grocery shopping on a Sunday night. I guess this is why there was such a pang of
longing as I saw all the couples walking through the store. I wondered if they appreciated the beauty of
the intimacy they were sharing? Do they
realize that those are the moments that you miss the most when they are
gone? That was the trouble with The Ex,
we didn’t have a lot of those routines.
Even though we lived together for years, we almost still lived
apart. We existed more as roommates than
a couple. And maybe that’s where the
longing comes from – never really having that closeness with a partner (even
though that is what I wish for most desperately).
Anyway,
I have a feeling that PMS may be playing a part in these feelings. I don’t want to discard the overall emotion
by chalking it up to hormones, but I do think this maybe amplifying my feelings
a bit. Gah! I say. Gah!!!
This monthly curse! It always
makes it so hard to distinguish the root of my sentimentality. Alas, there is nothing I can do about it
(though chocolate and wine – help? make
it better? give a placebo effect of
happiness?).
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