Wow! Today marks
one year post-My Year Without Sex. I
have to say, it hasn’t been too much different. *wink* Well, that’s not
entirely true, it has been incredibly different in many ways and the growth
that has occurred is astounding.
After my year ended, I was eager to get back in the
saddle and see if I still remembered how. *wink* I was rushing again. I wanted to break the sabbatical. Alas, I still had far to go. It has only been recently (within the past
couple weeks) that I have come to realize that I have spent my entire life
chasing love. Looking for someone to love
me. Looking for validation from a
partner. Even after my year, even a year
after my year, I wanted a partner to protect me and tell me everything was
going to be alright. I didn’t fully
realize the extent to which the search for a soulmate penetrated my life until
I started attempting to answer the questions that have been stalking me for the
past year: what do you want? What are you looking for?
The truth is I have been looking for a guardian. A person to shelter me from the big bad
world. Someone who would pick me up when I fall, brush me off and encourage me
to keep going. Well, it turns out, I
need to be that for myself. Gah! This became most apparent when I tried to
figure out why I don’t write even though I have been saying I want to be a
writer for over a decade now. I start
and then stop. It dawned on me that I
usually stop the moment it starts to go well – weird, I know. But that’s also not fully the truth. I stop when I get rejected, as well. I really stop whenever anyone takes any
notice at all. I write, but I’m afraid
to show it to anyone. That’s the real
truth of the matter. I’m afraid to be
exposed.
It wasn’t until January of this year that I shared the
link to this blog with the majority of people I know – crazy, huh?! Six months AFTER my year is over, I share the
link to the blog. Why? Because, what if it sucked and people laughed
at me?! Yup. I was scared of being vulnerable. Scared to show my scars to the world. Scared that people would think I was
silly. Scared that maybe they wouldn’t. Scared that maybe they would expect some sort
of greatness that I couldn’t provide. Scared that they wouldn’t like the honest
me. But, who cares?! I spent my life
worrying about pleasing other people and still I am alone, but the more I open,
the more people open themselves to me.
Connections are made.
So, now my challenge is to be open. Be vulnerable. Ironically, that was also my greatest
challenge in theatre school. Well, 10
years later, I’m finally figuring out how to address it. Yeesh! Yet up to now,
I didn’t know how to start. So, I’m
writing. And I’m sharing. And I’m vomiting. But mostly writing and sharing. I guess it is just like anything in life, you
need to practice to become good at it.
Finally, I would like to state that even though I set out
to write an update about boys, it quickly turned into a post about my personal development. This continues to be a nice change from two
years ago, where my entire focus was on getting the man, analyzing the man and obsessing
over the man. Now, even typing those
words, I could feel the tension collecting in my shoulders, my breathing
getting tighter and the stress level rising.
Our bodies are such good registers of what is right and wrong in our
lives. I am so thankful that I have
taken the time to train myself to listen to it.
I am still a novice, but I am becoming better and better at grounding
myself when I feel I’m starting to get caught up in nervous energy that is not
my own. Life is so much more peaceful
these days.
