There are times I wish I had pictures of our last good
day. It’s nothing particularly
special. It was nothing worthy of
capturing on document for eternity, but in my mind, it is imprinted – forever. When I think about him, these are the moments
I go to. The countless pictures on file
tell a shell of a story, but all the moments I wish I could replay live only in
my memory.
Our last good day, we locked the door to our house only
to open it late at night for the sushi delivery man. We smoked weed and drank beer and played some
Wario game that reminded me of Mario Party, but I had never played Mario Party,
so maybe Mario Party reminded me of whatever this Wario game was. Maybe that’s the reason I ended up loving
Mario Party so much; it always reminded me of our last really good day. We did nothing. We didn’t exist in the world. Our world was the walls of our apartment and
nothing could come in and we had no desire to go out. We laughed.
It was just us. Nothing could
touch us. We laughed and were weird and
silly.
This memory came flooding back to me tonight. It hurts more than words can express. Sometimes you think all the pain you can feel
has flowed out of your veins, only to be caught off guard by a sudden flash of
happiness you can barely remember.
I tried many times to recreate moments like this, but it
doesn’t work. They come out of the blue.
So fast that you can barely recognize them until they are done. The only way to preserve them is to live them. That’s why they are usually the nothing
moments. Those moments that don’t really
mean anything until they do. Our last
really great day was a nothing day. It
was a lazy day. It was a day that
neither of us really felt like doing anything much at all. It was a day when I was met.
It’s all a little bit foggy, but I’m pretty sure this day
fell during my great depression. It was
near the end and okay days were hard to find, good days were far between. I did not want to face the world on my best
days. This was a day I felt
understood. I didn’t want to acknowledge
the world existed. I just wanted my
shelter. A refuge from life… and for one
day I was granted it. It was a really
terrific day.
Sometimes it catches me off guard that the tears still
flow so strong. Mourning is a tricky
process. With the dissolution of any
relationship, there is loss. The tragedy
of love without a flame. Some losses are
easier to bear, but some haunt you long after you think you have left them
behind. Tonight it is the memory of our
last good day. It was really a simple,
simply lacklustre, good ol’ boring, magical, wonderful day. I wish I had a picture.
