Continuing the piecing together of my trip to the
Underworld (aka the deepest, darkest places of the psyche), I will go through
the notes I made while in that state and try to elaborate on their meaning and
the feelings I was experiencing at the time. This post deals mostly with the physical
manifestations of hell.
***If you are
confused, please read the first part of the series Letters from Hell – Part I (Waking Darkness)***
I’ve kept the original bullet notes and then expanded on
the idea below.
Pretty self-explanatory. It was as if I had been working every muscle
of my body to the max and finally sat down for a rest and each of them exacted
revenge. I felt muscles I didn’t even
know I had. Any type of movement was
painful. I felt 100 years old.
- food poisoning or
lack of appetite
I couldn’t eat anything.
Food made me want to vomit or sometimes actually made me vomit. I couldn’t keep anything down for long.
- food is gross
Along the same lines as above. All tastes were disgusting. I had to force feed myself. Mostly ate soups during this time. Quick, easy and warm.
- smells make me
want to vomit
This was one of the hardest parts. I couldn’t walk anywhere without smelling
things that would set off my gag reflex.
It was like I was smelling the world for the first time and it was
gross.
- I can feel my
organs functioning and moving
One of the trippy parts of the process. I sometimes still can feel this, but it was
almost surreal. I could feel everything
working; food digesting, heart beating, lungs taking in air, intestines, liver,
bladder, etc. Every little thing they
did, I could feel it. It was like I could
track everything entering my body through its journey out again.
- massage has made
the aches worse
If your body stores toxins over time, then these massages
were like bombs going off in my body. I
was already feeling everything at a heightened level, so massages were extra intense. My body was finally letting go of all the
negative energy I had stored for my entire life. It was AWFUL!!!!
- constant bathing
in what now is a broth of various minerals – stewing myself
A combination of Epsom Salts (2 cups) and baking soda
(1/2 cup) was my recipe for a toxin sucking bath. I basically took one of these baths 1-2 times
per day for about 1-2 hours each. The
very first time I did I nearly had a panic attack. I could feel the toxins being purged from my
body. It was overwhelming. I was terrified. It was like being attacked. I had held so tightly to them, they had become
part of my genetic make-up and now they were escaping. I was crying, hyperventilating and
shaking. I had to focus really hard to
talk myself down. I had to keep
repeating “it’s okay, let it go” over and over.
I had to surrender. Eventually,
it felt good, but that first time, it was so scary. I could barely take it. I almost jumped right out of the tub. Lots of weird revelations happened in the
tub. It was the only place I could
breathe properly. I think the baths were
the main thing that got me through this time.
- so tired! Everything is too much
Well, the baths and naps.
I slept ALL the time. Pretty much
if I didn’t have to be awake, I wasn’t… or was in the bath. I barely ate, but I barely moved, so I
figured it was all good. I would sleep
between 14-16 hours a night and take 2 hour naps whenever possible. I didn’t see anyone. I barely talked to anyone. I would have felt bad, if I wasn’t overwhelmed
by emotion in every waking moment. I
didn’t have the capacity to give a single fuck about what anyone else thought. Life was just the time between sleep. And boy, did I ever sleep hard!!
Having distance from this time, it has been great to be
reminded of the lessons I learned. I
never thought it was possible, but I sometimes miss the absolute lack of caring
what anyone else in the world thought about me.
It was such a unique state of being.
Just the ability to feel every emotion, so intensely, so
consistently. It was amazing. Though, memories are always coloured by time. I also remember going to group therapy and
trying to convince everyone to quit while they were ahead because it was too
much to experience. I never thought it
would end. I knew it would, but I didn’t
have the energy to care either way. It
was all encompassing. I didn’t care whether
I lived or died. Death didn’t offer the
sweet release I once thought it would. I
remember breaking down sobbing naked on my bathroom floor after a bath because I
realized that even suicide wouldn’t free me from these feelings. They were ingrained in my very being and
death would mean that that energy was just transferred to my next state and I
would have to deal with it then. The
only option left was to keep going through, until… until whatever was, was.
(UPDATE: Part III can be found here.)
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