The Subject

BASIC INFORMATION:

Age: 31 (at start of experiment)

Height: 5’7 ¾” (though will always say 5’8” [or sometimes even 5’9”, but that’s only around really tall people])

Weight: 150 lbs. (varies depending of the time of month and year)

Sex: Yes please, but that’s not what this year is about... what?!  Oh! ... Female.

Lives: in a bachelor apartment in Toronto, ON, Canada (with my cat)

Description:

- dark brown eyes

- long brown hair (with some grey – depending on when I last dyed it)

- freckles (in abundance)

- works in theatre (behind the scenes)

- average build (I mean real “average”, not the “wanting to sound slimmer than I am” average; aka healthy, fit but not super model skinny, kind of like the medium bowl of oatmeal: not too big, not to small)

- average appearance (see note on “average” above; aka “that girl is attractive”, can be “hot” if I put in the effort, but daily routine would rank “average”)

- has an Honours BA, BEd and college diploma (studied Theatre, Acting, Education, Political Science, Earth Science, Geography, Economics, Statistics, Linguistics, Classics... let’s just say if it ended in a “-ics”, I probably studied it!)

- intelligent, funny, hard-working, generally well-liked, and cool (or at least that’s what my mom thinks)

BACKGROUND INFORMATION:

- raised in a small-ish Southern Ontario city

- grew up a pseudo-only child with lots of siblings (confused? Lots of half and step siblings, but lived alone with my mom from the time I was 6 years old – only child of my genetic make-up)

- mother suffers from a variety of mental and health issues – most prevalent mental disorder strongly resembles Borderline Personality Disorder (undiagnosed)

- first contact with father at 11 yrs old (first meeting at 12 yrs old)

- mother tried to commit suicide at 14 yrs old (I found her OD’d in the washroom)

- excelled in school

- had very few friends until high school (though still remained among the nerds)

- first began to fit-in socially in university

- left home at 19 for university and never went back

- began only long-term relationship at 20 yrs old

- father died at 21 yrs old from sudden stroke

- graduated university at 23 yrs old

- worked a variety of jobs

- returned to teachers’ college at 25 yrs old

- taught overseas at 26 yrs old (in southern China)

- returned to Canada & was unemployed for most of the year at 27 yrs old

- ended long-term relationship after nearly 8 years at 28 yrs old (I call this the point where I hit ‘RESET’ on my entire life – biggest turning point thus far)

- rebuilt life & career in theatre until now

SEXUAL HISTORY:

Virginity: lost at 20 yrs old

Longest Relationship: 7 ¾ years

Second Longest Relationship: 3 ½ months

Notes:

- loses all confidence and becomes a bumbling mess around men I’m actually interested in (I’ve learned this is an extremely common condition among women)

- habit of dating emotional unavailable or unstable men (also, a common problem with women)

- uses sex as a means of personal validation (aka I sometimes sleep with people to feel better about myself)

- huge disconnect between physical and emotional sexual experience (aka I need to have a deep emotional connection with the person if I hope to reach an orgasm, which also translates to an inability to reach orgasm if the emotional relationship is threatened or unstable – as well, I can easily have sex without having any emotion involved whatsoever, though no orgasm, but still fulfills my need for personal validation)

- very Catholic upbringing (aka grew up with the teachings of “Wait until you are married before having sex” and a general feeling of guilt surrounding the whole experience)

EMONTIONAL ISSUES:

- deep rooted fear of abandonment

- constantly putting the needs of others before my own

- desperate need to be loved and accepted by those around me

- paralyzing fear of failure

- regular pronounced shaking as a physical manifestation of years of abuse

END NOTE:

So, despite some rough years and many trials, life has turned out pretty wonderful for me.  It may come across like “this girl is a mess”, but that is not the case.  I just want to give a clear understanding of the things that have led me to this point and context to this experiment which I am undertaking.

Currently, I have a beautiful apartment, fantastic job and adorable cat that fills my days with endless joy.  I have wonderful friends (many of whom have been some of the closest people in my life for over a decade) and am developing closer relations with my family.  I also have a wonderful therapist who has a similar background to myself and gives me hope for a day when I will have fully addressed the deep-seated emotional trauma that still manifests itself through many aspects of my life.  In short, things are amazing.  I can honestly say that I am happy about 90-95% of the time.  But, like any of us, I want more.  I want to be happy 99% of the time.  This is why I’m taking this year to focus on what that actually means in my life.  Thank you for coming on the journey with me!